Forgiving Someone Who Hurt You Deeply

We’ve all been hurt by others--in a myriad of ways, and in varying degrees.

But some of us have been unimaginably hurt by others. Some of us have been so scarred by what others have done to us that we think no one can ever understand our pain. Some of us have been so deeply wounded that we can’t even think about what happened without feeling sick to our stomach. 

Maybe someone lied to you. Maybe someone said something pretty hurtful. Maybe you’ve been excluded by close friends or your family. Maybe someone told lies about you that damaged your reputation. Maybe someone you trusted stole something from you. Maybe you’ve been hurt by someone in a position of authority. Maybe you’ve been hurt by a church or a church leader. Maybe your spouse cheated on you. Maybe you have been abused, molested, or sexually assaulted. Maybe someone emotionally or mentally tormented you. Maybe you have a soul-wound from childhood that has never fully healed.

When we’ve been wounded in these ways, we often try to deal with the situation in one of three ways: 

1. Avoidance. We refuse to think about or deal with the issue. Sometimes we’d prefer ignorance to actual healing.

2. Control. We “play God.” We try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again by putting up walls or barriers in an attempt to manipulate situations.

3. Revenge. We try to right the wrong ourselves, with some methods being more covert than others. Though we may sometimes try to hurt those who have hurt us in practical ways (e.g. gossiping about the person who spread lies about you), we often seek a more passive-aggressive alternative via hanging onto unforgiveness. In other words, by refusing to forgive someone, we feel as though we maintain some level of protection from and control over the one who has wounded us.

But here’s the thing: none of these are biblical solutions.

The biblical solution is actually very counter-intuitive, but also quite straightforward. Listen closely:

The biblical solution is total forgiveness of the one who hurt you. 

See what we mean by counter-intuitive? 

How can that be right? Surely forgiving someone “lets them off the hook.” Surely my pain isn’t dealt with when I forgive someone! They get to go free, and I’m still hurt! Forgiveness is great, but that can’t be the actual thing that helps me heal, right? The only one who benefits is the one who hurt me. Surely that’s not a practical solution.

But what if forgiveness is the God-ordained means of healing He has given us when we have been wounded? What if forgiveness is actually what allows us to find peace? What if unforgiveness actually harms us more than forgiveness? As Ken Sande says, “unforgiveness is the poison that we drink, hoping that others may die.” And he’s right. It is the thing we think will make us feel better (and make our enemies feel bad), and yet it has the opposite effect.

So, with this in mind, let’s take a closer look at what it looks like to pursue total forgiveness for someone who has hurt you deeply.

How do I forgive someone who has hurt me deeply?

First, we can at least recognize that the Bible commands Christians to forgive.

Matthew 6:15 - but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. 

Matthew 18:21–22 - Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. 

Matthew 18:34–35 - And in anger his master delivered him [the unforgiving servant] to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” 

Ephesians 4:32 - Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. 

Colossians 3:13 - bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 

Romans 12:19–21 - Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. 

But how do we actually do this? Are we supposed to just conjure-up feelings of forgiveness?

Definitely not. You’ll find that trying to forgive someone in your own strength doesn’t work very well. Just when you think you’ve forgiven them you find out that you are actually still mad at them a few weeks down the road.

But there is a gospel-centered approach that works much better. Jesus tells us something about forgiveness in Matthew 18:23-33. It’s a long quote but it’s worth reading in its entirety:

Matthew 18:23–33 - “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’”

Here we are given the key in learning how to forgive. We don’t forgive by just trying to forgive; we forgive by focusing on how much we have been forgiven.

This is huge. 

We don’t forgive by thinking about how the other person needs forgiveness; we forgive by thinking about how much we need forgiveness. We don’t forgive by thinking about giving another person grace; we forgive by thinking about how we have been given grace. We don’t forgive by thinking about the one who has trespassed against us; we forgive by thinking about how Christ has forgiven our many trespasses. We think about the fact that we have sinned against an infinite God. We think about the fact that we have rebelled against our Maker. We think about the fact that we have cheated on Christ every day. And yet, not only does God forgive us, he forgives us lavishly. He calls us friends. He adopts us as his own. He resurrects us. He gives us life everlasting.

He forgives our enormous debt (ten thousand talents), which makes it easier for us to forgive someone their finite debt (a hundred denarii).

The more you know the grace that God has toward you, the easier it is to give grace to others. It is only in giving your pain to Jesus that you will ever find true healing. 

Other things to know about forgiveness

Though we can’t cover everything about forgiveness in one blog, we have included a short list of things to keep in mind as you work toward forgiving those who have hurt you.

1. It is often harder to forgive those who are close to you than a total stranger.

2. It is often harder to forgive those who don’t think they did anything wrong than to forgive someone who admits their fault. 

3. Forgiving someone doesn’t really “let them off the hook” in God’s mind. We often think that if we forgive someone then we will never really be vindicated (“That person deserves to pay!”).

But they will pay. 

God is clear that everyone will give an account. We are not to seek vengeance for the very reason that God has promised that he will seek vengeance. When you forgive you are not letting the person go free from vengeance. You are just shifting who gets to carry out the vengeance – from you to God. To say it another way, “let go, and let God…who doesn’t let go.” You can forgive your enemies because you know that, apart their conversion, God will not forgive them. 

4. Forgiveness is both a one-time act and also continual. You should make a decision to forgive, but you should also continue to forgive someone anytime bitterness rises up in your heart.

5. Sometimes forgiveness includes getting others involved for the sake of arbitration or counseling.

6. Forgiveness, especially in the case of an actual abuse situation, doesn’t mean you have to physically be around a dangerous person. But it does mean that you must forgive them in your heart. Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Notice that you should seek after peace to the extent you are able. But sometimes that peace will be limited by the other person’s unwillingness to reconcile or the particular situation that occurred.

7. Forgiveness does not mean that you don’t report illegal activity. You can forgive someone and still have an obligation to report them to the authorities. Someone who has been assaulted can forgive their abuser from their heart while also wanting to keep others safe from that person.

8. Jesus didn’t just come to die for your sins; he died to redeem you from sins that have been done to you. Your identity is not as someone who is abused or hurt. Your identity is not in someone who is a victim. Your identity is in someone who has been redeemed and adopted by God. Your healing is found in seeing yourself as one who is “in Christ” and not as someone who is irreparably damaged.

9. Unforgiveness is not rooted in hurt; it is rooted in pride. Unforgiveness says that, though Christ forgave you, you lack the humility to forgive others. Part of the forgiveness process is repenting of pride and asking God for more humility. Like so much of the Christian life repentance is required from the person who wants to forgive others.  

10. Jesus knows what it is like to be hurt, so you can ask him for help in your time of need. Jesus knows what it is like to be betrayed (with Judas). Jesus knows what it is like to be sad (with Lazarus). Jesus knows what it is like to be a “Man of Sorrows.” That is part of the purpose of the incarnation. Because Jesus takes on true humanity, he can sympathize with our human experience.

Hebrews 4:15–16 - For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. 

Conclusion

I’m sorry that you have been hurt. I have been hurt as well. But there is a day coming when everyone will give an account. The righteous will be vindicated, and the wicked will be judged. In the meantime, we can walk in peace. We can walk in joy. We are free to forgive others, to love our enemies, and to freely give mercy to others because our infinite debt has already been paid. When Jesus said, “forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do,” during the crucifixion, there is a sense in which this was said for us. We have sinned against Christ and have been forgiven, so we are free to forgive others.  

So give your hurt to Jesus. Give your pain to Jesus. Give your wounds to Jesus. For it is by his wounds that you are healed. And this includes healing for a bitter heart.